submission and Dominance

I've been told that inequality in sexual relationship is unhealthy and even evil. Despite this I still find submission appealing, and situations of dominance and submission seem to appear in much of my fiction. Judging from literature, imagery, and cinema, many people, maybe even most people find submission to be erotic. It's not rational preference but an emotional and physical reaction to the idea of submission, pain, and suffering. These images and ideas include the passion and crucifixion of Christ.

I find I'm attracted to submission but not to sadism. For me, the ability to relieve pain and suffering is far more powerful emotionally than the ability to cause pain. I was married for seven years to a man I dearly loved and who died of a painful hereditary disorder. He spent the last three years of his life in constant unbearable pain. I allowed him to take the dominant role in sexual play and this delighted me. I could give him for a brief time the ability to control pain, something which medical personnel and religious practitioners couldn't do as much as they tried.
For me, my love for my husband was, and still is, a powerful emotional cocktail made of faith, sorrow, compassion, pain, and eroticism. It still brings tears to my eyes. I cry nearly every time I receive the holy Eucharist or follow the Stations of the Cross.

For me willing sacrifice in order to relieve suffering is sacramental. It is also erotic and so is the biblical teaching to submit to one's spouse. I'm not sure where my attitude puts me in relationship to feminism and to traditional Christianity. It may put me as blasphemous to both.